Countless Christians are trapped in relationships that are slowly destroying them. Moreover, they’re asking the same desperate question: “I know God hates divorce, but what do I do when my marriage is killing me?”
It’s a fair question. Furthermore, it deserves an honest, biblical answer—not religious platitudes or simplistic advice that sounds spiritual but leaves people drowning in dysfunction.
At Higher Praise, we believe in giving you Scripture-based truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Today, we’re going to talk about toxic relationships and marriages from a biblical perspective. Additionally, we’ll address when to fight for a relationship, when to set boundaries, and yes—when it might be time to walk away. Indeed, this won’t be comfortable, but it will be honest.
Here’s the upfront truth: God’s ideal is always reconciliation, healing, and restored relationships. However, God also cares about safety, sanity, and protecting the vulnerable. Moreover, staying in a destructive relationship isn’t always godly—sometimes it’s just foolish.
Let’s dive into what Scripture actually says about this difficult topic.
Is It a Sin to Leave a Toxic Marriage?
This is the question that keeps people trapped in destructive relationships. Indeed, many Christians believe that leaving for any reason other than adultery means they’re sinning and disobeying God.
Here’s the truth: No, it is not always a sin to leave a toxic marriage.
Here’s why:
God values safety and wellbeing. Moreover, nowhere in Scripture does God command you to remain in danger or to enable someone’s ongoing sin. Furthermore, protecting yourself and your children from harm isn’t rebellion—it’s wisdom.
Abuse violates the marriage covenant. When someone repeatedly harms, betrays, or abandons their responsibility to love and cherish their spouse, they’ve broken the covenant. Indeed, they’ve already left the marriage emotionally and spiritually, even if they’re still physically present.
God calls us to peace. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “God has called you to peace.” Additionally, if staying means living in chaos, fear, and constant harm, you’re not experiencing the peace God desires for you.
Sometimes staying enables sin. If your presence allows someone to continue destructive behavior without consequences, you’re not helping them—you’re enabling them. Moreover, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is establish boundaries and consequences, even if that means leaving.
However, here’s what’s important: Leaving should never be your first choice, but sometimes it becomes the necessary choice. Indeed, exhaust every biblical option—counseling, boundaries, separation, church involvement—before divorce. Nevertheless, if those don’t produce genuine change and you’re being systematically destroyed, God doesn’t require you to stay and be destroyed in the name of marriage.
When Does Staying Become Sin?
This might sound controversial, but hear me out: Sometimes staying in a toxic relationship becomes the sin, not leaving.
Here’s when staying crosses the line:
When you’re enabling ongoing abuse. If your presence allows someone to continue hurting you or others without consequences, you’re participating in their sin. Moreover, you’re teaching them that their behavior is acceptable.
When children are being harmed. You have a biblical responsibility to protect your children. Therefore, if staying means they’re witnessing or experiencing abuse, staying becomes neglect of your parental duty.
When you’re destroying yourself to “keep the marriage intact.” God doesn’t call you to self-destruction. Indeed, Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself—which implies you should love yourself. Moreover, if you’re sacrificing your mental health, physical safety, or spiritual wellbeing, that’s not godly sacrifice—that’s foolish martyrdom.
When you’re using “biblical submission” as an excuse for passivity. Submission doesn’t mean accepting abuse. Rather, it’s a gift freely given in the context of mutual love and Christ-like leadership. Furthermore, if you’re staying because you believe submission means enduring mistreatment, you’ve misunderstood Scripture.
This doesn’t mean every difficult season requires leaving. However, there’s a difference between walking through hard times together and being systematically destroyed by someone who refuses to change.
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
First, we need to define what we’re talking about. Indeed, “toxic” has become a buzzword that people throw around loosely. Nevertheless, there’s a real distinction between difficult relationships and genuinely toxic ones.
A difficult relationship has conflict, disagreements, and frustrating patterns. However, both people are willing to work on issues, take responsibility, and pursue growth. Furthermore, there’s mutual respect even in disagreement.
A toxic relationship involves patterns of behavior that damage your mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical wellbeing. Specifically, these patterns include:
Ongoing emotional abuse – Constant criticism, belittling, gaslighting (making you doubt reality), manipulation, threats, or control tactics.
Physical abuse – Any violence or physical intimidation, period. Moreover, this includes threatening behavior even without actual hitting.
Chronic betrayal – Repeated infidelity, financial deception, or other major breaches of trust without genuine repentance or change.
Severe addiction without willingness to change – Active addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or other destructive behaviors where the person refuses help.
Spiritual manipulation – Using Scripture to control, shame, or justify abusive behavior. Indeed, this is particularly insidious because it twists God’s Word into a weapon.
Patterns of neglect – Consistent abandonment of responsibilities, emotional unavailability, or refusal to contribute to the relationship.
Unrepentant sin – Ongoing destructive behavior without acknowledgment, remorse, or effort to change.
Here’s the key: toxic relationships involve patterns, not isolated incidents. Everyone has bad days and makes mistakes. However, toxicity is about ongoing, unrepentant, destructive patterns that erode your wellbeing over time.
What the Bible Says About Relationships
Let’s look at what Scripture actually teaches—not what we wish it said or what religious tradition has added to it.
God’s Design: Mutual Love and Respect
“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… In the same way husbands should love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:25, 28
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” – Ephesians 5:22
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” – Ephesians 5:21
Notice the context: mutual submission comes first (verse 21). Moreover, husbands are called to sacrificial, Christ-like love. Furthermore, nowhere does Scripture endorse abuse, control, or mistreatment hiding behind “submission.”
Indeed, a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church means he’s willing to die for her wellbeing—not control, demean, or harm her. Additionally, biblical submission is a voluntary gift given in the context of love and safety, not forced compliance through fear or manipulation.
God Hates Divorce… And Abuse
“‘For I hate divorce,’ says the LORD, the God of Israel, ‘and him who covers his garment with violence,’ says the LORD of hosts.” – Malachi 2:16 (ESV)
Yes, God hates divorce. However, notice what else He hates in the same verse: violence. Moreover, the broader context of Malachi 2:13-16 is about men “dealing treacherously” with their wives—breaking covenant, being cruel, and acting faithlessly.
God cares about the sanctity of marriage. Nevertheless, He also cares about justice, mercy, and protecting the vulnerable. Furthermore, nowhere does Scripture command someone to remain in danger in order to preserve a marriage certificate.
Biblical Grounds for Divorce
Jesus addressed divorce directly:
“And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” – Matthew 19:9
This gives one clear biblical ground for divorce: porneia (sexual immorality), which includes adultery and other sexual sin. However, notice Jesus is giving permission, not a command. Indeed, many marriages survive infidelity when there’s genuine repentance and both parties work toward healing.
Paul adds another scenario:
“But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” – 1 Corinthians 7:15
If an unbelieving spouse abandons the marriage, the believing spouse “is not enslaved”—meaning they’re free. Moreover, Paul emphasizes that “God has called you to peace,” not to bondage in a broken relationship.
The Question of Abuse
Here’s where it gets controversial, but it needs to be said clearly: Physical abuse is grounds for at minimum separation, and often divorce.
“But,” someone will say, “abuse isn’t listed as a biblical ground for divorce!”
Here’s the response to that: Is repeatedly beating your spouse “loving her as your own body”? Is that sacrificing yourself for her wellbeing? Indeed, abuse is the complete opposite of the biblical model for marriage.
Furthermore, abuse violates the marriage covenant as fundamentally as adultery does. Moreover, it’s a form of ongoing betrayal, assault, and abandonment of vows. Additionally, many theologians and pastors recognize that severe, unrepentant abuse falls under the category of abandonment—the person has abandoned their role as a loving spouse even if they haven’t physically left.
Boundaries Are Biblical
“The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” – Proverbs 22:3
Wisdom means protecting yourself from harm. Indeed, setting boundaries isn’t unloving—it’s wise. Moreover, boundaries aren’t about punishing the other person; rather, they’re about protecting yourself and establishing what behavior you will and won’t tolerate.
“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” – Matthew 7:6
Jesus Himself taught that there are times to withhold what’s precious from those who will abuse it. Furthermore, this applies to relationships: you don’t keep offering your heart, trust, and vulnerability to someone who consistently tramples it.
Real-Life Example: Michelle’s Story
Consider Michelle’s situation (not her real name). After fifteen years of marriage to a man who alternated between charm and rage, she finally sought help. Specifically, he controlled every aspect of her life—what she wore, who she talked to, how she spent money. Moreover, he regularly berated her in front of their children, told her she was worthless, and occasionally shoved or grabbed her when angry.
But he went to church every Sunday. Additionally, he could quote Scripture. Furthermore, he told Michelle that divorce was sin, that God hated it, and that if she left, she’d be disobeying God and destroying their family.
Michelle was dying inside. Nevertheless, she stayed because she believed leaving would be ungodly.
When she finally sought biblical counsel, she needed to understand these truths: The Bible says God values you, your safety matters, and staying in an abusive situation isn’t godly—it’s enabling sin.
I helped Michelle understand that:
- Setting boundaries isn’t unbiblical. Indeed, requiring her husband to get counseling, stop the abuse, and demonstrate genuine change before reconciliation was wise, not rebellious.
- Separation can be appropriate. Sometimes physical distance is necessary for safety and to stop enabling destructive behavior. Moreover, separation isn’t the same as divorce—it can create space for repentance and change.
- She wasn’t responsible for his choices. Her husband chose his behavior. Furthermore, she couldn’t control or fix him through submission or prayer alone. Additionally, she needed to protect herself and her children.
- God wasn’t asking her to be a punching bag. Nowhere does Scripture command someone to endure ongoing abuse in the name of Christian submission. Rather, that’s a perversion of biblical teaching.
Michelle separated. Her husband initially doubled down, playing the victim and accusing her of destroying the family. However, after six months of consequences and mandatory counseling required for any reconciliation, something shifted. Eventually, he began genuine work on his issues.
Today, three years later, they’re cautiously rebuilding. Nevertheless, Michelle maintains boundaries and won’t tolerate backsliding. Moreover, she’s a different person—stronger, healthier, and no longer willing to accept abuse in the name of Christianity.
Not every story ends this way. However, Michelle’s willingness to set boundaries and separate gave her husband the wake-up call he needed. Furthermore, it protected her and her children from ongoing harm.
When to Fight for the Relationship
Before we talk about leaving, let’s be clear about when you should fight to save a relationship:
1. When Both People Are Willing to Work
If both of you acknowledge problems and commit to counseling, growth, and change, then fight for it. Indeed, every marriage has seasons of difficulty. Moreover, willingness to work is the key difference between salvageable and doomed.
2. When There’s Genuine Repentance
Repentance isn’t just saying “I’m sorry.” Rather, it’s acknowledging wrong, taking responsibility, showing grief over the harm caused, and demonstrating changed behavior over time. Furthermore, if you see genuine repentance, that’s worth fighting for.
3. When Sin Is Being Addressed, Not Justified
If the problematic behavior is being dealt with—through counseling, accountability, recovery programs, etc.—then there’s hope. However, if the person is defending, minimizing, or blaming you for their behavior, that’s a red flag.
4. When You’re Not in Danger
If you’re physically safe and not being systematically destroyed emotionally or spiritually, then working through issues is appropriate. Nevertheless, safety always comes first.
When Boundaries and Separation Become Necessary
Sometimes love isn’t enough. Indeed, love can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Moreover, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is establish consequences for destructive behavior.
Set Clear Boundaries
“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” – Matthew 5:37
Be clear about what behavior you will and won’t accept. Specifically, communicate boundaries calmly and directly. Furthermore, follow through with consequences when boundaries are violated.
For example:
- “If you speak to me that way again, I will leave the room.”
- “If you come home drunk, you will sleep elsewhere.”
- “If you hit me, I will call the police and leave.”
Boundaries aren’t ultimatums designed to control the other person. Rather, they’re protecting yourself and establishing that certain behaviors have consequences.
Consider Separation
Sometimes physical distance is necessary. Indeed, separation can serve several purposes:
- Safety – Removing yourself from immediate danger
- Clarity – Getting space to think without constant pressure or manipulation
- Consequences – Demonstrating that destructive behavior won’t be tolerated
- Motivation – Creating urgency for the other person to address their issues
Additionally, separation doesn’t have to mean divorce. Rather, it can be a step toward either reconciliation or clarity about whether the relationship can be saved.
Involve Others
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” – Proverbs 11:14
Don’t walk through this alone. Specifically:
- Get Christian counseling – Both individual and couples counseling if the other person is willing
- Tell your pastor or church leaders – They can provide accountability, support, and biblical guidance
- Confide in trusted friends – Isolation is dangerous; you need people who know what’s really happening
- Document everything – If abuse is involved, keep records of incidents, threats, and concerning behavior
Moreover, toxic people thrive in secrecy. Therefore, bringing light to the situation often reveals how bad things really are.
When Leaving May Be Necessary
This is the hard part. Nevertheless, there are situations where staying becomes enabling, where fighting for the relationship means destroying yourself, and where God’s call to peace means walking away.
Physical Abuse
This needs to be stated unequivocally: If your partner is physically harming you, you need to leave immediately. Indeed, your safety matters more than the marriage. Moreover, staying sends the message that the behavior is acceptable. Additionally, if there are children involved, you’re teaching them that abuse is normal.
Call the police. Get a restraining order. Go to a safe place. Furthermore, don’t go back until there’s been extensive, verified change over a long period—not just promises.
Unrepentant Serial Infidelity
If your spouse is repeatedly unfaithful and shows no genuine remorse or willingness to change, you’re not obligated to stay. Indeed, Paul says the unbeliever who leaves has broken the bond. Similarly, someone who repeatedly betrays the marriage covenant has, in effect, abandoned it.
Severe, Untreated Addiction
Active addiction to drugs, alcohol, or pornography creates chaos and harm. Moreover, if the person refuses treatment or repeatedly relapses without working a genuine recovery program, you can’t save them by staying. Rather, sometimes consequences are the only thing that motivates change.
Patterns That Won’t Change
If you’ve tried everything—counseling, boundaries, separation, prayer, church involvement—and nothing changes over years, at some point you have to accept reality. Indeed, you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Moreover, you’re not required to sacrifice your mental health, your children’s wellbeing, or your life for someone who refuses to address their destructive behavior.
What About the Kids?
Many people stay “for the children.” However, here’s an important truth: kids do not benefit from watching an abusive, toxic, or deeply dysfunctional relationship.
Indeed, children learn relationship patterns from what they see at home. Moreover, if they watch dad abuse mom, boys learn that’s how men treat women, and girls learn that’s what they should accept. Furthermore, if they watch parents in constant toxicity, they internalize that as normal.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your kids is model healthy boundaries, self-respect, and refusal to tolerate abuse. Additionally, a peaceful single-parent home is better than a two-parent war zone.
The Role of Prayer and Faith
“But shouldn’t I just pray harder? Trust God to change them? Have more faith?”
Here’s the truth: Yes, pray. Absolutely trust God. However, faith doesn’t mean passivity in the face of sin and abuse.
Think about it: If someone is stealing from you, do you just pray and leave your door unlocked? No—you pray AND you lock your door. Similarly, you pray AND you set boundaries. Moreover, you trust God AND you protect yourself.
“The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” – Psalm 9:9
God is your refuge. However, that doesn’t mean He expects you to remain in harm’s way while waiting for Him to change someone who doesn’t want to change. Rather, sometimes God’s deliverance involves you taking action to get to safety.
Additionally, remember: You can’t change another person. Only God can. Nevertheless, God rarely changes people without their cooperation. Furthermore, sometimes the wake-up call they need is facing consequences for their behavior—including you leaving.
A Word on Forgiveness
“But doesn’t God command us to forgive? Seventy times seven?”
Yes, forgiveness is commanded. However, forgiveness doesn’t mean:
- Trusting someone who hasn’t earned back trust
- Removing consequences for behavior
- Staying in a harmful situation
- Pretending the harm didn’t happen
Rather, biblical forgiveness means:
- Releasing bitterness and desire for revenge to God
- Not holding the offense against them in your heart
- Being willing to reconcile IF there’s genuine repentance and change
You can forgive someone from a distance. Indeed, you can forgive someone and still maintain boundaries. Moreover, forgiveness is for your healing, not necessarily for reconciliation.
Steps to Take If You’re in a Toxic Relationship
If you’re reading this and recognizing your situation, here’s what you need to do:
1. Admit the Truth
Stop minimizing, making excuses, or hoping it will magically get better. Instead, acknowledge that the relationship is toxic and something needs to change.
2. Get Safe If Necessary
If there’s any physical danger, make a safety plan and execute it. Specifically, this might mean staying with family, going to a shelter, or having someone present when you leave. Moreover, don’t announce your departure if safety is a concern—just go.
3. Seek Godly Counsel
Talk to your pastor, a Christian counselor, or mature believers who will give you biblical wisdom—not just tell you what you want to hear. Furthermore, make sure they understand the full situation, including the severity of the toxicity.
4. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Decide what behavior you will and won’t tolerate. Additionally, communicate those boundaries clearly. Furthermore, follow through with consequences when boundaries are violated.
5. Require Professional Help
Insist that the other person get counseling, join a recovery program, or take whatever steps are necessary to address their issues. Moreover, verify that they’re actually doing the work, not just claiming they are.
6. Take Care of Yourself
You can’t pour from an empty cup. Therefore, prioritize your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. Indeed, get counseling for yourself. Additionally, lean on your support system. Furthermore, remember that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
7. Be Willing to Walk Away
Ultimately, if the person won’t change, you have to decide: Will I stay and continue to be destroyed, or will I choose health and peace even if it means leaving?
That’s a hard decision. Nevertheless, sometimes it’s the right one.
The Gospel Hope
Here’s what you need to hear: God loves you. Your worth isn’t determined by this relationship. Moreover, He grieves over your pain and wants healing for you.
Additionally, remember that Jesus experienced betrayal, abuse, rejection, and abandonment. Furthermore, He understands your suffering. Indeed, He is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
Whether you stay and fight or leave and heal, God is with you. Moreover, He can redeem even the most broken situations. Furthermore, He specializes in new beginnings.
If your relationship has damaged your view of God—if you’ve been told that God wants you to accept abuse or that leaving means you’re disobedient—let me tell you the truth: God is for you, not against you. Indeed, He doesn’t delight in your suffering. Rather, He wants you to flourish, to be healthy, and to know peace.
You matter to God. Your wellbeing matters. Additionally, your children’s wellbeing matters. Therefore, whatever decision you make, make it from a place of seeking God, protecting the vulnerable, and pursuing peace.
At Higher Praise, we’re committed to providing biblical truth that equips you to make wise, God-honoring decisions—even in the hardest circumstances. You’re not alone in this journey.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11
FAQ: Common Questions About Toxic Relationships
Q: Isn’t divorce always wrong biblically? A: God hates divorce, but He also hates violence, betrayal, and abuse. Moreover, Scripture provides grounds for divorce in cases of adultery and abandonment. Additionally, many theologians recognize that severe, unrepentant abuse constitutes abandonment of the marriage covenant.
Q: Should I stay for the kids? A: Not if staying means they’re witnessing abuse, constant conflict, or toxicity. Indeed, children need at least one healthy parent more than they need two unhealthy parents staying together. Moreover, what they learn from your marriage shapes their future relationships.
Q: What if my spouse claims they’re a Christian and uses the Bible against me? A: Using Scripture to manipulate, control, or justify abuse is spiritual abuse. Furthermore, being religious doesn’t make someone righteous. Additionally, Jesus warned about people who honor God with their lips but whose hearts are far from Him (Matthew 15:8).
Q: How long should I wait for them to change? A: There’s no set timeline. However, if you’ve given years, tried everything, and see no genuine progress or sustained change, at some point you have to accept reality. Moreover, “waiting” shouldn’t mean continuing to be harmed.
Q: Will I go to hell if I get divorced? A: Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Indeed, if you have biblical grounds or have done everything possible to save the marriage, God extends grace. Moreover, your salvation is based on faith in Christ, not marital status.